Friday

So now's my next go at this. Not correcting as I go along, juts to get the juices flowing uninhinited

NAd it's funny, because I am aware of the gact that I might actually be hitting the wriong kets entirely, and it doesn't really natter.

Making mistakes is essenmtial to the flow of making creative thinsg. And that;'s really what it;s all about. I must make mistakes, and be OKL with making mistakes,

I know that bny doing this I will be breaking old opatteneresnm. I wonder , actually, if thuiss is why I jhabven't been getting why I 've been felling the fway I have avout things over the last couyople of days, I mean, I haven;t bveen feeling all that goodm, with the rdepression coming up. bnut I think more than anything else that;s just the feelings from sdeep down iunside me. I*t doesn;t really matter thant I;m getting stranfge beelings. It's important that Ip;m ghetting feelings, and haveing some kind of stuff come uyp at lla.

These are all uilllusioopns. I m,ean, the feelings of depressiona dra only there becuas eof the sghame that's asssociated with them, not jhesy the depression or the bad beeflings themselves. I know that waht I feel more than anythig sr the feeli9ngs I;bve aALWQAYS fel;y" tyhat I'm ghpesless and not geood aty naytyhing at all. I mean, isn/t that why I haven't bearlety worked most of my lfie?:

I know that more than anyyingh I want to be an actor and forhdycrs work that's good. But6 what hwne I do that I feel good, hes. But what abopuyt wheat people thinkl" That's been the buiggestye problenm of all,. And as Ilong as I care too much about what otehr peopkle thinkl I lay myself ophe to reiducle and conatsnalty cgopgen my powef ayway.

And now what? No0w I feel abolfeultely styiflewd by thios, because I jsuyst WANT THINGS TO WORK OUTY FOR NMEEQQQ!!!! buyt that uyjhust haven;t been anything like as much Ias I) weaould like them to.

So erhre tod I go from here>

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!
Ity'sa always the same Al; I want to do is habve sonmething better thant I'm doing, 8ther than dwrll on the shit I;n dioing, buyt JSEWUS CHRIST i'nm sio sekf ssabvotabhesing of nweyself,@@@

So there we go again, Todtallty out of touch with my fellings and trying tio sdo anything that makes me contacty dfopme kind of real syelf. Yrtably I;m biot ebnrtirely sure if this sis effeetcibge. uyou, know? I mean, is it abny6 tood that I;m naking syiot6 here?: Syuff t6hat nobdoy undersatyand,s, lieasty of all ms7yelf?> Will I be poriohsuydoh realluy good wiork iof I carry onw ithio this cghioty? Coa the way tyhings are now, I fien that hard tio bnelieve/

However, it has to be said that be y forc8ing nmyself to do things, reaghrtadlliess ofhow hopopd they arew, I am getting tyjhe huioesds flowing, So loinga as I write a bgiot daily, and so loing asa II foucrse myself to look throughh the coameraa lens, sand so oiong as I force metyself to paint or dsawn somwstyhing I;m in catotant wityh the world outside of my hawe. IO'm in cationta wiotyh mys elfesebns,. And that's not such a bad thing at all.

i eman, idfd this was a o8ce of xcysltbpuyre, would I think suit was any godd. IO mean it waould be a biot of a mess, reight>? Surfe it wsould. I mean, theerr would be makesrs from clunsy nindgers and makes form thewhere I;' miseed theo tyhing aI do the gholding with, and thenh re aoulwe dfbe nakesakes dfrom ahwere I'm dmdesedd up netrieely.

This is fun adctalyioy. BNecaus eas I'm geting the r3ring wbonhkliwestwes, it dopesn;t matter, bec7ase 9io]mk inetendtioing to heit wst5he ribhht bhweyes and it kinda means that :i e;an opsytstting suykething out theere ain ethena theop andintike euinto the rworldf, out side.

TNow that dind't make snay tswene ewhat evere , bnuyt aghaion it gdoebns matetr at all , cbcuawed us ethe manibn thaing is athat I;me nalking stuff , anjd ai:j brinerg sint sthin thin ouyr apf my hea d na donly the canbacio, or tha apasge, kr sioanthing'

tHIS MUYy st showh wsometing of the dr4eysrt rtraoion of mys,.wefl./ I mean, the re nmsys nme a ba gurt dbpartg of mes that heels del funrstrtraied abgout this, andf this is the partyh for me that'[s pu7t5ting it ousd there into the workld

IOt wfele IOL fronm me to sdo this kins of hsit.

And it remninds me of hwo I qwa hhwne I find ts bcam eto UAtysin, and I put some weirdm pi8antings on the wall of my kitychen, noty cvariong what people thaouths baout it. It was a ahdl;e0bnatyeething, hlu hee, because it meqan that O could ydo stuff that was abuisltyley shityting abnd it tdioddidnd;ty matyter at all, becuajse there I awa accetyitin a bvpat opf myself that needed to exprrwss itsself,

And that's aexchtacly what I;'m, do8n here, see>

?????


And that's it> Tharts's iexstyaleyy what I('m nspdin nher, see?"

Thats;'s what I;m soind here!@QQQ!QWWQQ@WWWQ

Fuck iut. This is wjhagt I wnat to do, aind I edo realay ise the refruinsdtsratyuobn iof sit, I do rwlise I;m angrery and ai nwa to to hjust ahebv aeverjyjiokn flow tyh eawua ai wantt it dod..

IOty's gwjiotye fpiossdibnel for it to ghaoppen,. WHjiot eIll

But now this is wjhat i;'m diongh,. Itys'a an exoerhxcise, and there's a rwason sone pfro it. I ;m dojnb this be3cuause it m,aena I can accept this ma[[srtta of me that w2ant sto do dtyojsusty sshdopd cvartepa catap catsp[agtcrtaaocvrtapa ctapa ctapc tapc atsp ctaps stcap ctyysp[ ctsaoprnctyre cbcrep[c crap


CRAP


And there wae ere erfe we Tsa re re are

Crap///////,,,,,smmdhojbhdiudfiuijbhsdf


I ca m do crap becuas the rworld is full of crap. Therea' sop muyc crap, bety its's sopuhosiotccvatted cvrap

dspp sophsisticated crap,

Buyt crap never thelesss


Crap neverthelsss

And That's sopmethint I want to abvwooc. I want tyo makle tsidff that actually nmeans somethying hy tje itsn't catrp

See.?:???


There are planet of ways of soiongt things that are rwlaky rwaly good
'

Plenty of wayws

And righht bnow I want a apiss

But wajht I need to do, sooo mych too mcuyhy theer3e wer go is to have a nice cold sghower and go dof a ruin. Theat's mucp0re like4l;y thahn anaythiong to gert mye houicueses pflwoing and aget me out t5here atne ddoion thweing sthat are sexioweying.

I know that moe ntghan tabnatyyhing I;be bveen SCARED of wther oork saba bad luive aabd akll of furtm, bvyrt rtghartta;'s giouit to eTSP PO now nxcya seus I ama a nman abdtert all, and I can do tstjhf that;s ayexiksteing and gsood and mstyaityckine ena dtha tailw gert wenty egdoin oplanetuful stuff

I and awnaty thin gthing sis that LP hyrlaly want to get awya dfoirm masttuyrnnat8ing ion canmre na agbn jfppeeib aleseing mcy cooisuik in fomr thioo the a and be atcoming cujnmn8ubng from thenm . Thats; been s asrtrlaly stuffp id ghabveit,k and I wodn;'t want to eod it anay thjore,.

AHHHHHQ!QQ sop now I see wqnhagt I m,;m sdoi ng here, Theis is a aconfbenmigtt away for ne toa comnmeihuinctae ctyaunpuycyallly , suisn[t it?:


Its'a a wtya from ne to telel ak, my ssbvecttes to the workld with bnowbvody rallky auinder atdnn ing wnat I;'m s8at, riagnt" uyes orfr coucwes, Tha tmaklesz so mych snenbse, doesn t' it"

Therte I am, ahsanined ortf nat wi I dio, mwy eiost9n here a,.unre,kin g liek a a cifcnuihn cowards ato wiot with m yy ockl a whhat I ;am ahsamed of any way, and I mwnat to have enepklpe elike my eaapoforf ehwo I am. Buty 5the thikng si ska i odn;t lierk aiwho I am. I conmd tl kliek my beody , s8 Knd ;t ljkem mty skcok, and i don '[tyy l,iek the things ti ftha I'm dojbfg with msye life/;

I think*i a;m ve ebene swating it ,anhd it agabs make ronr deel qyitywe absamed of what of a I am an dioibn with msyelf.


And bnow mtyore than agthing thnibfg UI;m vnstysrerying for a piss, and theta' ajhwajer I wrea;uy want to dod

Git theis thinfg ghas to duyp no,.e. I m,era, m,s is it a mednmitataiopn,for its iot stomethin slee4s"

is this a meditatuons" Annd wbow mych luineger tod ui bgave to dio dit? Is thsis relaklklty enfabesds mty cratibve iveself :"

I einf ist ssduiddiff7yuclt rto beelieve that theis is erally aconartctcrtkl\

END