Focus

So here I am again writing about writing, and writing about what I'm going to do, why I haven't done what I haven't done, what's wrong, what's right, and every possible distraction from actually doing the things it's been my intention to do.

Thing is, I'm scared of writing something with the real intention of making something of value. Watching a film like "Boogie Nights" last night, for example, I feel so disconnected from any ability to actually make something that good, that I feel like giving up before I even start.

But I've watched some interesting programmes in the last few days. One, Status Anxiety, gave me real insights into my motives for success, including being an actor, wanting to write clever films, being a star, making and writing art and books and so forth. My low self esteem has been one of the biggest motivators for that. Perhaps I should make a little documentary about it. Second has been Stephen Fry's film about Bi Polar Disorder, The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive Then there was the documentary about The Century of Self.

I should comment on some of the thoughts I was having last night about my self and my life. It really occurred to me that I haven't been very much in The Present throughout my entire life. I've certainly been overly concerned about what other people thought of me, and I've had a gnawing sense of fear, and some vague intention to "work everything out before getting on with my life" for as long as I can remember.

Indeed, I went to bed last night, post meditation, with a strong insight into the fact that I was holding on to some decision I'd made very early on in my life that I needed to work out some monumental problem in order to feel some sense of relief and actually feel OK in the world. I know it's related to some incident in childhood.

But the thing is, I don't think I'll ever get to "that place" and the act of looking for it has been the biggest waste of my life.

So anyway...on to the business of "focus"...

I want to make this film. I want to do it "my way", obviously being influenced by those writers and directors I like the most. Certainly, I love the films of Paul Thomas Anderson, and I reckon if I ever get to making something that's any good, I'll use something of his style. Nice quirky films with rounded characters and interesting stories, unlike the usual Hollywood bollocks.

But the other thing is that I want to make films that investigate the things that fascinate me in my own way. Sure, there's some kind of "auto voyeurism" involved, and a degree of narcissism, but hey! that's how I'm made. I'm tired of trying to be perfect. If I'm a bit narcissistic, a bit self obsessed, then that's just too bad.

I think an awful lot of people are self obsessed. They're just stuck in the shame of it. Accepting self obsession is the first step, then maybe there's a way out of it. But it's something to be investigated, rather than denied or run away from.

So in the mean time, I really ought to read some more on writing, making films, art, and everything else relating to the making of these films. One other great thing I gleaned from "Status Anxiety" was that Bohemia is a state of mind, and that the Bloomsbury Group were dedicated to The Arts. I love the idea and lifestyle of Bohemia, and I dedicate my life to it.

In fact, I think I'll declare that on my blogs: Jack dedicates himself to a lifetime of Bohemia. The Bohemian lifestyle is absolutely where it is.

I know I have further to go with that idea, of course...

But all my heroes are Bohemians. Rodin, Lawrence, Kerouac, Matisse...all the free thinkers, the great directors, the actors and artists that have inspired me for years.

What I realise, though, is that I've never really fully embraced myself enough to explore Bohemia beyond the middle class image of genteel intelligensia it's had. For me, Bohemia has been a way to be accepted (or revered) rather than simply enjoyed.

So this is why I must still plunge further into the whole business of The Arts, and the Bohemian lifestyle.

Hallelujah!

And at the same time, focus on making this film...