Oh Fuck it

I'm still in bed, and it's Christmas day, and these are my morning pages.

I'm feeling a bit sensitive about the video now on Dailymotion, because I think I come across as a loser. Thing is, I do, and I have been.

But as I've said before, my "success" and my "failure" are illusions, based on old belief systems that I've lived with and had to carry as awful burdens my whole life. I was taught that I wasn't any good at anything, and that's why it's continued to be a weight around me - a ball and chain.

In all the videos I've watched of myself, I know that who I am one moment is gone the next. Karma is instant, and I can change my behaviours and beliefs instantly.

So, the video of me being all pathetic and morose and self conscious is the me that was then. In fact, anything I do is only done then. Like any artist, what I do is never enough, and it's always irrelevant to some degree, from the moment it's finished.

My huge issue is and always has been my self esteem. My self consciousness has got in the way of my life so badly, that and nothing else has been my biggest enemy - as it is for so many people.

So all I need to do now is just accept this phenomenon for what it is, and not be scared ANY MORE what people think of me or what I do. I reckon it's going to be difficult for me, but dammit, I know what I'm saying makes sense!

Who knows who'll look at me and my videos and my writings now and in the future? What will they think of them?

Well, one thing's for sure, and that's that my fantasies about what people think and what they think are both actually irrelevant, because while I'm the victim of the conditioning that was thrust upon me in my childhood, I'm still the slave of other people now.

And that just ain't acceptable.

Nowadays, more than any time before, the true freedom comes from breaking the shackles of conditioning. My freedom will only come when I accept myself, as I am, right now, or whenever "right now" is.

I have to love and accept myself AS I AM in order to grow and be happy and successful, whatever "succesful" is!