New videos

Well, I spent a couple of days creating videos that I think are crap and embarrassing on a certain level. Cringing embarrassing, in fact, but it's all part of the business of healing.

I know the kind of thing I want to make, and getting there is a bit of a process. It does mean going through the fundamentals all over again, or maybe even for the first time. And that means doing stuff that might well be very childlike.

What if someone sees it who thinks I should be doing something better than that at my age? What if someone sees it and thinks I'm a joke? What if someone sees what I'm doing and just thinks I'm weird, or sad, or pathetic, or a loser or something?

Well the thing is, those are all feelings I've had about myself, and the fear is that the shit will be a reality in others' eyes, too.

So it means slaying the dragon, first of all, and standing naked "out there" unashamed of what I'm doing, or can do.

As I've said before, there's method in my madness, because ultimately, I sincerely believe this is a powerful form of healing. It's a kind of public self acceptance, and it's a kind of unconditional love.

Just as people have laughed at musicians like Bjork for her bizarre music and lyrics, The Masses have mocked the truly innovative for millennia.

Most people just want what's the norm: the kind of art that's a copy of what's going on at the time, or the kind of art or music that's been done already. Very rarely does some new art come on the scene: it very often smacks of styles done shortly before, and that's how things just get boring.

Yes, the videos I'm doing at the moment are naive and weird. The might have some kind of truth in them, and some kind of appeal, but they're far from being good or interesting, and the certainly wouldn't reach out to the multitudes.

I feel a little bit like Marshall Barer, who just did weird and eccentric stuff all his life. Not weird for the sake of weird, but just weird because it was what it was, and that's just how it went.

I'm attracted to the kookie and weird, though. That's just the way it is. And I like to make my own art. At least, it's my intention to carry on making my own art, because that's what I think we should all do.

It's very unoriginal to just buy art as mass produced posters, or pay huge (or even small) fortunes for art that someone else has done. Sure, there's a reason to have art that someone else has done, but only if it really moves you.

What's the kind of film I'd like to make eventually? Well, I do like the idea of making a film that incorporates some different things: film that breaks through boundaries, and just takes you somewhere else. I know I'l script something at some point, and spend some time shooting a "real" film that I would like to think will be something like "magnolia", perhaps?

Or something that's a series of shorts like "Short cuts".

But I know that to get there I have to turn the camera away from me, and on to the outside world. That means finding characters, and realising that it means I won't get the same kind of exposure as I'd have liked.

I am, after all, a bit of a narcissist. I like to be the centre of attention. What do I want to make another actor that for, now?

But I think I'll start using this blog instead of doing the morning pages. That way I don't have to lug a book around with me, and they'll always be there for me to access.

Plus, any future biographer will have all he or she needs on me to write a biography.

ho ho ho

Like I think I'm ever going to be famous now...

I think once I finally really accept that ain't gonna happen, I can really just get on with the business of being an actor and writer.

As long as I can make a living doing what I want to do, then I'll be happy.