The War Zone

I just watched the film "The War Zone" with Ray Winston and some other brilliant young actors. Apart from thinking how courageous they were to do some of the scenes in the film - involving nudity, very graphic sex, profoundly emotional scenes of incest and violence - I was impressed by the writing, direction, and general subject matter of the film.

It got me thinking. Not only about my own family issues - there is a deep fissure within my family which is related, if not to sexual incest, then some kind of emotional, physical, and psychological abuse - but also about my abilities as an artist and writer, actor, and film maker. Do I really have the guts to write about what I really need to write about in order to come up with something that's really engaging?

The book "The War Zone" won the Whitbread Prize (although it was taken away again, bizarrely) because it really was that good. It touched on a subject that just doesn't get touched on: incest. And I like films which go into taboo subjects in an adult and profoundly insightful way.

Truth is, "The War Zone" probably couldn't be made in America. American audiences aren't generally mature enough to take it. In fact, I'm suurprised it's ever been distributed in America. The fact it has such graphic sex in it, and scenes of child abuse and infant nudity would probably get it thrown out by American censors, denying such truth to ever reach an audience.

But the thing is, I want to write stuff that's that bold. And I also want to be free of the abuse that's been such a heavy weight in my own personal life. Nobody can be as dysfunctional as me without there having been some kind of abuse in my life. And my family reeks of abuse. In fact, if I'm really honest I have memories I just can't explain. Memories that I can relate to some kind of sexual abuse, in fact.

And again, if I'm really honest, I've been living out some behaviours that just might reflect some kind of sexual abuse in my past. There's bound to have been some sexual abuse in my family for there to be so many dysfunctional people within it: uncles that are weird or gay or weak; aunts that are promiscuous, have illegitimate kids, or bizarre religious beliefs; then there's my father's emotional block, and my mother's emotional frigidity. Neither side of my family are or were happy people. The evidence of some kind of abuse is clear, even if it's in their weight or image problems, alcoholism, drug use, desperate loneliness or cloying neediness.

But for me, I ask "How do I put this all down on paper in a way that leads to my creating something that's actually well written, or good, or watchable?"

I just thought about Amparo, who criticised one of my monologues a couple of years ago because she said it was melodramatic (or something like that). Her argument was that really effective drama has to be portrayed flippantly or as black humour or anything but serious and weighty.

I disagree with her. I did then (although I didn't articulate that) and I disagree with her now. Her way is just one way. My way is another way. There are many effective ways of telling a story. And not one way works for all people.

There is no one right way of doing art.

And so I feel better about whatever it is I'll be working on.

What I do want to rediscover, though, is the amazing sense of being connected to something that feels almost divine in its connection to importance and truthfulness - a sense I discovered when I first got into acting.

It's that wonderful sense of connection that I want to have again. And that means getting into a mindset that's more dedicated to My Art than I have been for some time.

I can do that, I think, and still be businesslike. I'm tired of feeling cynical about art, film, and the whole business of making a living as an artist. I love feeling really positive and enthusiastic about making art - even if it's making some little film or documentary, or wedding video.

I KNOW I still have it in me to make worthwhile, truly artistic work.

But I know I do need to put the hours in, and the dedication. If I'm really honest, I've wanted the rewards without the dedication and the work. I know I really do have a lot of talent, but I also know I have been somewhat lazy, and somewhat scared of really going into the places I need to go, and building relationships that I need to build.