More on abuse

It's interesting.

I was just thinking about what I was planning to do today as far as work, and creative stuff.

Then the phone rang, and it was my sister (three times) and now my mind has been stuck on that rather than what I wanted to do.

And that's how it was when I was a kid. I remember being 14 and at school, and just not being able to concentrate on my school work, because not only were my emotional needs not being met, but home life was just awful. Rows, and the usual emotional threats, emotional abuse, demands, and crap was going on all the while I was at school. Was it any wonder I couldn't concentrate?

And now, my family are asking me to go back into that shit that I escaped 11 years ago.

I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that any more than a divorcee wants to go back to his or her ex. My deepest self feels absolutely sick at the thought of having to be around my family in person now. I'm actually terrified of them, without some effective boundary between me and them.

My boundary for the last 11 years has been the Atlantic ocean. Rather foolishly, I gave them a local phone number not long ago. My sister has abused that already, and I'm due soon to have it disconnected because of it.

I feel burned out by my family's business, and caring for other people's shit. Whether it's been family, girlfriends, or just life's bullies, I just feel tired of trying to defend myself from demanding leeches.

What I may have to do is just get angry, and do things like post the phone messages I've had right here on this blog. It's easy enough to do.

My mother gave me 200 pounds today.

I wonder how much it will cost me.