I'm still in bed, and it's Christmas day, and these are my morning pages.
I'm feeling a bit sensitive about the video now on Dailymotion, because I think I come across as a loser. Thing is, I do, and I have been.
But as I've said before, my "success" and my "failure" are illusions, based on old belief systems that I've lived with and had to carry as awful burdens my whole life. I was taught that I wasn't any good at anything, and that's why it's continued to be a weight around me - a ball and chain.
In all the videos I've watched of myself, I know that who I am one moment is gone the next. Karma is instant, and I can change my behaviours and beliefs instantly.
So, the video of me being all pathetic and morose and self conscious is the me that was then. In fact, anything I do is only done then. Like any artist, what I do is never enough, and it's always irrelevant to some degree, from the moment it's finished.
My huge issue is and always has been my self esteem. My self consciousness has got in the way of my life so badly, that and nothing else has been my biggest enemy - as it is for so many people.
So all I need to do now is just accept this phenomenon for what it is, and not be scared ANY MORE what people think of me or what I do. I reckon it's going to be difficult for me, but dammit, I know what I'm saying makes sense!
Who knows who'll look at me and my videos and my writings now and in the future? What will they think of them?
Well, one thing's for sure, and that's that my fantasies about what people think and what they think are both actually irrelevant, because while I'm the victim of the conditioning that was thrust upon me in my childhood, I'm still the slave of other people now.
And that just ain't acceptable.
Nowadays, more than any time before, the true freedom comes from breaking the shackles of conditioning. My freedom will only come when I accept myself, as I am, right now, or whenever "right now" is.
I have to love and accept myself AS I AM in order to grow and be happy and successful, whatever "succesful" is!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
New videos
Well, I spent a couple of days creating videos that I think are crap and embarrassing on a certain level. Cringing embarrassing, in fact, but it's all part of the business of healing.
I know the kind of thing I want to make, and getting there is a bit of a process. It does mean going through the fundamentals all over again, or maybe even for the first time. And that means doing stuff that might well be very childlike.
What if someone sees it who thinks I should be doing something better than that at my age? What if someone sees it and thinks I'm a joke? What if someone sees what I'm doing and just thinks I'm weird, or sad, or pathetic, or a loser or something?
Well the thing is, those are all feelings I've had about myself, and the fear is that the shit will be a reality in others' eyes, too.
So it means slaying the dragon, first of all, and standing naked "out there" unashamed of what I'm doing, or can do.
As I've said before, there's method in my madness, because ultimately, I sincerely believe this is a powerful form of healing. It's a kind of public self acceptance, and it's a kind of unconditional love.
Just as people have laughed at musicians like Bjork for her bizarre music and lyrics, The Masses have mocked the truly innovative for millennia.
Most people just want what's the norm: the kind of art that's a copy of what's going on at the time, or the kind of art or music that's been done already. Very rarely does some new art come on the scene: it very often smacks of styles done shortly before, and that's how things just get boring.
Yes, the videos I'm doing at the moment are naive and weird. The might have some kind of truth in them, and some kind of appeal, but they're far from being good or interesting, and the certainly wouldn't reach out to the multitudes.
I feel a little bit like Marshall Barer, who just did weird and eccentric stuff all his life. Not weird for the sake of weird, but just weird because it was what it was, and that's just how it went.
I'm attracted to the kookie and weird, though. That's just the way it is. And I like to make my own art. At least, it's my intention to carry on making my own art, because that's what I think we should all do.
It's very unoriginal to just buy art as mass produced posters, or pay huge (or even small) fortunes for art that someone else has done. Sure, there's a reason to have art that someone else has done, but only if it really moves you.
What's the kind of film I'd like to make eventually? Well, I do like the idea of making a film that incorporates some different things: film that breaks through boundaries, and just takes you somewhere else. I know I'l script something at some point, and spend some time shooting a "real" film that I would like to think will be something like "magnolia", perhaps?
Or something that's a series of shorts like "Short cuts".
But I know that to get there I have to turn the camera away from me, and on to the outside world. That means finding characters, and realising that it means I won't get the same kind of exposure as I'd have liked.
I am, after all, a bit of a narcissist. I like to be the centre of attention. What do I want to make another actor that for, now?
But I think I'll start using this blog instead of doing the morning pages. That way I don't have to lug a book around with me, and they'll always be there for me to access.
Plus, any future biographer will have all he or she needs on me to write a biography.
ho ho ho
Like I think I'm ever going to be famous now...
I think once I finally really accept that ain't gonna happen, I can really just get on with the business of being an actor and writer.
As long as I can make a living doing what I want to do, then I'll be happy.
I know the kind of thing I want to make, and getting there is a bit of a process. It does mean going through the fundamentals all over again, or maybe even for the first time. And that means doing stuff that might well be very childlike.
What if someone sees it who thinks I should be doing something better than that at my age? What if someone sees it and thinks I'm a joke? What if someone sees what I'm doing and just thinks I'm weird, or sad, or pathetic, or a loser or something?
Well the thing is, those are all feelings I've had about myself, and the fear is that the shit will be a reality in others' eyes, too.
So it means slaying the dragon, first of all, and standing naked "out there" unashamed of what I'm doing, or can do.
As I've said before, there's method in my madness, because ultimately, I sincerely believe this is a powerful form of healing. It's a kind of public self acceptance, and it's a kind of unconditional love.
Just as people have laughed at musicians like Bjork for her bizarre music and lyrics, The Masses have mocked the truly innovative for millennia.
Most people just want what's the norm: the kind of art that's a copy of what's going on at the time, or the kind of art or music that's been done already. Very rarely does some new art come on the scene: it very often smacks of styles done shortly before, and that's how things just get boring.
Yes, the videos I'm doing at the moment are naive and weird. The might have some kind of truth in them, and some kind of appeal, but they're far from being good or interesting, and the certainly wouldn't reach out to the multitudes.
I feel a little bit like Marshall Barer, who just did weird and eccentric stuff all his life. Not weird for the sake of weird, but just weird because it was what it was, and that's just how it went.
I'm attracted to the kookie and weird, though. That's just the way it is. And I like to make my own art. At least, it's my intention to carry on making my own art, because that's what I think we should all do.
It's very unoriginal to just buy art as mass produced posters, or pay huge (or even small) fortunes for art that someone else has done. Sure, there's a reason to have art that someone else has done, but only if it really moves you.
What's the kind of film I'd like to make eventually? Well, I do like the idea of making a film that incorporates some different things: film that breaks through boundaries, and just takes you somewhere else. I know I'l script something at some point, and spend some time shooting a "real" film that I would like to think will be something like "magnolia", perhaps?
Or something that's a series of shorts like "Short cuts".
But I know that to get there I have to turn the camera away from me, and on to the outside world. That means finding characters, and realising that it means I won't get the same kind of exposure as I'd have liked.
I am, after all, a bit of a narcissist. I like to be the centre of attention. What do I want to make another actor that for, now?
But I think I'll start using this blog instead of doing the morning pages. That way I don't have to lug a book around with me, and they'll always be there for me to access.
Plus, any future biographer will have all he or she needs on me to write a biography.
ho ho ho
Like I think I'm ever going to be famous now...
I think once I finally really accept that ain't gonna happen, I can really just get on with the business of being an actor and writer.
As long as I can make a living doing what I want to do, then I'll be happy.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Onward to creative recovery...
Well it's been a while since I've posted on this blog and I think I'll use it for experimentation and exploration of my creativity.
I've been going through some creative upheavals in the last few weeks, and in the last few days I've been getting some insights about things, and some reminders about how I have to approach what I'm doing as a creative person. My "making a movie" blog has been slowing down, and I'm certain it's because I've lost spontanaity and the creative urge.
Watching a video about children learning mathematics the teacher commented that children learn so much more easily because they're not afraid of making mistakes. And that's something I've done for much of my life - feared mistakes, and feared making a fool of myself. I know I DID learn that making a fool of myself earned me all kinds of respect, and that's why I became the clown, but there was some nagging sense of something wrong that was always there, and I'm beginning to know what it is.
Watching Stephen Fry's documentary on Manic Depression has been a huge eye opener. I see a lot of myself there. No, I don't think of myself for one moment as anything like as successful or, if I'm brutally honest, as talented as him. But I do see something of the manic depressive in me - certainly the way I used to be.
What I've been dealing with of late is that fundamental force of self hatred, I think, that lurks in the psyche of the comedian and manic depressive, and maybe in the performer in general. The need for external acceptance is huge in entertainers and performers: it's what made them start doing it in the first place. In order to get attention, every performer learns to do what's needed in order to get that attention, whether it's make someone laugh, cry, be interested, sexual, or become addicted in whatever way possible. The "larger than life" manic person will always win the attention of people purely because he draws them to him.
Perhaps the goal of any creative person is to get attention. Maybe it's to make a connection. Who knows? What I do know is that I like to do things that interest me, and I do like to perform.
Maybe I just need to go back to being "larger than life". Except I'll know, like all manic depressives know, that it's an act. And when you're acting you're always going to be lonely, because you're performing. And while you're performing you can never have true intimacy.
So what I'll continue to play with with my videos and my thoughts and my art and my writing and music and so forth is the disovery of my self and my "thing".
And that's the purpose of this blog.
Maybe I'll make some self exploration videos, just for the hell of it. They make me cringe, because I'm exposing myself to the world. But the thing is, what is the self that gets exposed, anyway?
I've looked at myself crying a hundred times, and I know that the guy I see in tears isn't "me", but just a part of me. This, the observer, is just as much a part of the man that is Jack Lee, as is the depressive, as is the manic, as is the bored me, the raging me, the lonely me, the devious me, or the hateful me. None of them is me any more than my arm is me or my finger is me, or my hair is me.
The only "me" I can really say is perhaps me is my spiritual self: the one that breathes. The soul, that is connected to others by some strange cord. The "perfect" me, as it were. But that me is not my personality. It's a far more fundamental part of who I am, and is quite untouchable. Only I can reach that part. And others can only reach the true "me" if I let them.
Or something like that...
But anyway. I'm now in the process of asking questions in a more childlike way. I've always known that was the way to go. And I know I got knocked off the path by irrational thinking.
But I shall now, God willing, rediscover the fun side of ME, and get back to being JOLLY CREATIVE, making some grand mistakes along the way!
I've been going through some creative upheavals in the last few weeks, and in the last few days I've been getting some insights about things, and some reminders about how I have to approach what I'm doing as a creative person. My "making a movie" blog has been slowing down, and I'm certain it's because I've lost spontanaity and the creative urge.
Watching a video about children learning mathematics the teacher commented that children learn so much more easily because they're not afraid of making mistakes. And that's something I've done for much of my life - feared mistakes, and feared making a fool of myself. I know I DID learn that making a fool of myself earned me all kinds of respect, and that's why I became the clown, but there was some nagging sense of something wrong that was always there, and I'm beginning to know what it is.
Watching Stephen Fry's documentary on Manic Depression has been a huge eye opener. I see a lot of myself there. No, I don't think of myself for one moment as anything like as successful or, if I'm brutally honest, as talented as him. But I do see something of the manic depressive in me - certainly the way I used to be.
What I've been dealing with of late is that fundamental force of self hatred, I think, that lurks in the psyche of the comedian and manic depressive, and maybe in the performer in general. The need for external acceptance is huge in entertainers and performers: it's what made them start doing it in the first place. In order to get attention, every performer learns to do what's needed in order to get that attention, whether it's make someone laugh, cry, be interested, sexual, or become addicted in whatever way possible. The "larger than life" manic person will always win the attention of people purely because he draws them to him.
Perhaps the goal of any creative person is to get attention. Maybe it's to make a connection. Who knows? What I do know is that I like to do things that interest me, and I do like to perform.
Maybe I just need to go back to being "larger than life". Except I'll know, like all manic depressives know, that it's an act. And when you're acting you're always going to be lonely, because you're performing. And while you're performing you can never have true intimacy.
So what I'll continue to play with with my videos and my thoughts and my art and my writing and music and so forth is the disovery of my self and my "thing".
And that's the purpose of this blog.
Maybe I'll make some self exploration videos, just for the hell of it. They make me cringe, because I'm exposing myself to the world. But the thing is, what is the self that gets exposed, anyway?
I've looked at myself crying a hundred times, and I know that the guy I see in tears isn't "me", but just a part of me. This, the observer, is just as much a part of the man that is Jack Lee, as is the depressive, as is the manic, as is the bored me, the raging me, the lonely me, the devious me, or the hateful me. None of them is me any more than my arm is me or my finger is me, or my hair is me.
The only "me" I can really say is perhaps me is my spiritual self: the one that breathes. The soul, that is connected to others by some strange cord. The "perfect" me, as it were. But that me is not my personality. It's a far more fundamental part of who I am, and is quite untouchable. Only I can reach that part. And others can only reach the true "me" if I let them.
Or something like that...
But anyway. I'm now in the process of asking questions in a more childlike way. I've always known that was the way to go. And I know I got knocked off the path by irrational thinking.
But I shall now, God willing, rediscover the fun side of ME, and get back to being JOLLY CREATIVE, making some grand mistakes along the way!
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