New feelings of inspiration

Well, I've been nosing over some of the stuff I've done over the past couple of years and, again, I've been beating myself up over what I "should" have done by now, at my age.

Of course that's complete bollocks, and it's complete bollocks for a number of reasons. One, that I've always felt that, and that kind of self denigration has been the cause of my inertia and lack of motivation in the first place, and two, that when I grasp that every new moment is as fresh an opportunity for new creative genius ("principle isn't bound by precedent") that I can look at the stuff I've done in recent years in a positive, healthy light instead of ridiculing myself and going through the ritual auto-humiliation that has been my wont for so long.

It's ALWAYS a matter of perspective.

And so I can rest easily and sleep well, knowing that my creative spark is alive and well and accessible to me at all times.

My new genre

It occurred to me that one of the biggest issues I've had with creation is the sense that I've been trying to copy some kind of magic from other people, and ending up with nothing original, and consequently nothing of significance.

It's like copying a person or their style: you might do it well, and you might sound or look good, but if you're not doing it for yourself how are you really making a truly intimate connection?

I like rock and roll, and classical music, and jazz, and blues, and a bunch of other stuff. I have some kind of connection and enjoyment playing and singing those styles, too. But is it something original and fundamental to myself? I mean, all the British blues bands played blues music throughout the 60s and onwards, but who can say they were really singing the blues for themselves? How can white, middle class people (think Mick Jagger here) sing real soul music when they're not black, don't know what The Struggle really is, and are just mimicking something they don't really understand?

Plenty of black bluesmen played from their hearts. They played music because they had to, not because they wanted some special sound that was cool or attractive. And all the people that followed suit with their copied styles and adopter genres did the same. They turned originality into a product.

And so I don't want to do that. I can't be bothered to follow some already established style. I want to find my own voice, whatever that is.

But right now I have to go and make a film. Shooting starts at 10am

Mind you, the fuckers are always late...

The morning pages

Well, The Artist's Way seems to have passed me by. I don't seem connected to much artistic at all right now.

Doing the film "Strings", which is interesting. Doing some weddings, documentaries, editing and such. But I don't feel as though I'm doing anything like the amount of work that I really envisioned for myself now. Where are the several projects, the film I'm directing, the film I'm writing and such?

I feel quite disconnected from the creative process, really. Whatever it is I want to do, anyway.

I know what's at the root of it: self consciousness, and lack of direction. I don't feel really engaged by enough. And I'm not sure what will engage me in the way I really want to be engaged.